Today, I was thinking about handshakes. I shook someone’s hand today and I thought “they don’t get it.” Have you ever shook someone’s hand and they just don’t seem confident about it? It makes the whole handshake feel weird. I can remember a time when I would shake people’s hands and I would feel uncertain. I can even remember thinking to myself “Crap! I didn’t do that right.”
What’s funny is I can’t remember when I stopped thinking about it and just started doing it right. It’s not a science and there’s no rule book on it, but there is a sense of confidence that somehow makes a handshake good or bad. As I was thinking about it, I came up with three things that I associate with a good handshake:
1. Eye Contact
When someone gives you a good handshake, they don’t look at your hand. See, a person who knows how to give a good handshake doesn’t have to aim. They may look at your hand for a second to realize you want a handshake, but they don’t stare at your hand to make sure they got it right. Behind every handshake there is some kind of agreement. Every agreement needs eye contact.
If you can’t keep eye contact you’re probably thinking too much. This goes two ways. Some folks are self-conscious and they’re thinking about whether or not they’re getting the handshake right. Others are a bit egotistical and are thinking about whether or not they want to touch “YOUR” hand. A confident person has gotten his/her hands dirty before. At this point you have to stop being a sissy and man up. A good handshake is a recognition of humanity and worth. If you can’t shake hands with what you consider the lowest of lows you’ll never be able to give a good handshake. You’re too arrogant to start.
2. No Reservation; Grab the Whole hand
There are a couple of things associated with “No Reservations.” The first I noted in the heading: Grab the Whole Hand. I don’t know when I learned to do this right but some people just don’t know how to grab a hand. I remember when I used to screw this up. I would hesitate and end up on the receiving end of someone else shaking my fingers. If both party’s don’t grab the hand the handshake feels awkward.
The person who isn’t confident will expect the other person to grab their hand, but they won’t grab in return. Always fails. As with anything, both people have to engage or it’s going to seem weird.
This applies even if your the person who extends your hand first. Just because you put your hand out first, doesn’t mean you’ve done your part. Once the other person starts to extend their hand you meet them. If you don’t, again, it’ll seem weird.
3. Confident Squeeze
First, let me say, it’s a hand shake, not a marriage proposal. Plus, it’s not really a “shake.” Unless you’re messing around with your kids no one is really “shaking” hands. I saw one youtube video where they recommended one or two “pumps.” No. If anything, as you squeeze you pull the other person’s hand slightly toward yourself as you draw closer to them. I emphasize “slightly.”
More important than how many “ups and downs” is the confident squeeze. Some like to say “firm.” How you interpret this will depend on who you are and with whom you are shaking hands. If you’re a 300lb body builder, take it easy. Your idea of “firm” might break my fingers. If you’re a 100lb woman your idea of “firm” might feel like a dead fish to me.
Guage the person you’re about to shake hands with and respond accordingly. If I’m about to shake hands with a 300lb body builder, I’m probably going to give him everything I’ve got. If I’m about to shake the hand of a 100lb woman I’m going to take it easy. So you have to gauge that person to person.
In closing, I will say there will come a point when you don’t even think about it. As I said before, I can’t remember when I started doing it right, but at some point you just start to get it. After shaking enough hands you get to the point where you’re not analyzing the other person or thinking about “doing it right.” It’s at that point that the handshakes come natural and they all feel normal. What’s odd, is once you’ve gotten to that point, and you shake and “inexperienced hand” it really stands out. Have some grace. You were there once too. Keep shaking their hand ’til they get it. They will.
